Social Graces // Awkward // Smile
These weeks are long and taxing. Somehow the weekends seem to slip through my fingers before I get to anchor onto any kind of peace and the weekdays envelope me, taunting and teasing me with concerns that I should not stress about and distractions that keep me from completing the assignments that are barely keeping me afloat. I am drowning in a sea of papers, examinations, assignments, and social obligations. Yet, somehow I am expected to stay well mannered and calm. Those social graces that I never learned (being from Southern California and not the South) are expectations even in the most stressful of times. The expectation that I will be polite and hold fast to societal expectations when my head is swirling with a thousand thoughts and I am on the verge of tears almost everyday is unrealistic. I want to be that girl, but I just don't think it is possible. The social grace of keeping calm in public is the only thing keeping me composed. Though my wardrobe is lacking it's usual immodesty and my hair lacks the cute bounce or sheeny flatness, I am still expected to maintain my social grace, whatever that is. Graceful is not a word I would use to describe myself. I am awkward and uncoordinated in most aspects of my life. Only now am I discovering the extent of my social ineptitude and realizing the depth of my awkwardness.
Social graces really are not as complicated as I make them out to be, I am simply incapable of performing basic tasks satisfactorily. Most evident in my mind is a very simplified example of my lack of social grace while also being a huge insecurity and problem concerning making new friends. I have a huge problem smiling. Let me qualify this, I love to laugh (even doing it when it is inopportune or inappropriate, it just happens) and I'm fairly good at smiling. I am not insecure about my smile or my teeth. Eye contact does not feel awkward to me (then again, my tolerance for awkward is much higher than the average person). Being a social introvert, I have a constant tug-of-war between my desire for social interaction and my energy levels. On average, I can be a pleasant and averagely sociable for about two weeks before wanting to crawl in my bed forever and never have to see another person again. Naturally, my appetite for social interaction will rear up again after a few weeks of heavy dosages of Netflix, chick flicks, and pleasure reading. I digress. During my social weeks, I tend to make a lot of new friends. I also have the tendency to make people feel loved and appreciated. I have the tendency to make people feel like we have a connection after just one interaction with social me. This is good for making friends, but not so much when in a week or so, I can barely even smile at them when I pass them.
My fight or flight response is freeze. When things get awkward I freeze up, I don't think to smile at them because my brain decided to take a temporary break from thinking and run away without taking my body with it. It is virtually impossible for me to keep up the pretense of social grace, when my face is frozen in a half-smile and my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth. Most of the time I get nervous because I don't know where I am at with them and it is not like I can DTR every single person I come in contact with. I don't know if I should smile, say hey, wave, ask them how they are, or hug them. I don't know what level our friendship is at and it makes me nervous, so I freeze up. Then people think I hate them or they did something wrong and it is just an awkward downward spiral all because I do not have the social etiquette on how to acknowledge someone when seeing that person in passing.
I want to get over this whole awkward thing. The problem is awkward is not a phase for me, awkward is a personality flaw. I am basically incapable of not being awkward. When I try, it honestly just gets worse. Occasionally, I can keep calm. If I focus really hard, the awkwardness subsides taking my personality with it. Someday I will have the grace of a southern belle, the personality (and tan) of a California girl, all while maintaining connections like a D.C. politician. Someday, all this awkwardness will be gone and we will be in perfect unity in heaven. Sometimes the silver lining isn't knowing it will get better now, but knowing that it will be better eventually.
Social graces really are not as complicated as I make them out to be, I am simply incapable of performing basic tasks satisfactorily. Most evident in my mind is a very simplified example of my lack of social grace while also being a huge insecurity and problem concerning making new friends. I have a huge problem smiling. Let me qualify this, I love to laugh (even doing it when it is inopportune or inappropriate, it just happens) and I'm fairly good at smiling. I am not insecure about my smile or my teeth. Eye contact does not feel awkward to me (then again, my tolerance for awkward is much higher than the average person). Being a social introvert, I have a constant tug-of-war between my desire for social interaction and my energy levels. On average, I can be a pleasant and averagely sociable for about two weeks before wanting to crawl in my bed forever and never have to see another person again. Naturally, my appetite for social interaction will rear up again after a few weeks of heavy dosages of Netflix, chick flicks, and pleasure reading. I digress. During my social weeks, I tend to make a lot of new friends. I also have the tendency to make people feel loved and appreciated. I have the tendency to make people feel like we have a connection after just one interaction with social me. This is good for making friends, but not so much when in a week or so, I can barely even smile at them when I pass them.
My fight or flight response is freeze. When things get awkward I freeze up, I don't think to smile at them because my brain decided to take a temporary break from thinking and run away without taking my body with it. It is virtually impossible for me to keep up the pretense of social grace, when my face is frozen in a half-smile and my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth. Most of the time I get nervous because I don't know where I am at with them and it is not like I can DTR every single person I come in contact with. I don't know if I should smile, say hey, wave, ask them how they are, or hug them. I don't know what level our friendship is at and it makes me nervous, so I freeze up. Then people think I hate them or they did something wrong and it is just an awkward downward spiral all because I do not have the social etiquette on how to acknowledge someone when seeing that person in passing.
I want to get over this whole awkward thing. The problem is awkward is not a phase for me, awkward is a personality flaw. I am basically incapable of not being awkward. When I try, it honestly just gets worse. Occasionally, I can keep calm. If I focus really hard, the awkwardness subsides taking my personality with it. Someday I will have the grace of a southern belle, the personality (and tan) of a California girl, all while maintaining connections like a D.C. politician. Someday, all this awkwardness will be gone and we will be in perfect unity in heaven. Sometimes the silver lining isn't knowing it will get better now, but knowing that it will be better eventually.
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