Fail // Future // Waiting
When waiting fails me
I've committed the grand mistake of writing letters to my future husband as if it is a demand to God. We pretend like getting married is something we are entitled to for saving ourselves, after all, what are we really waiting for. Endless waiting sounds impossible, but waiting until we find the one, waiting until marriage doesn't sound so bad when we consider that we should be getting married and having kids in the next half of a decade or so.
Marriage is no longer an expectation, it is a secondary. There are people who plan to have children, but there aren't rings on their fingers. It's gotten to the point where when someone has a picture with a child under two, it turns into a five-minute Facebook stalking session to figure out if it is their child or just some little kid. We've accepted it because to face the depravity of our society would be an adventure resulting in too many witch hunts for people who are the symptom and not the problem. Children outside of marriage are now "unplanned", not bastards because it's demeaning to call them that and it is now socially acceptable. We talk about how we don't know their stories, but very rarely do we ask. Sometimes, it really is just a series of bad decisions. These women are not the problem. I am trying hard to be careful to not say the wrong thing (I am often guilty of stepping on a few too many toes out of, not a callus, but just not realizing the sensitivities in which others have) because I know what I have to say is important and if I say it right, I think most people should agree with me, but if I say it wrong, then I will be burned at the stake (at least in my head).
We see marriage as then end goal and so we put it off until we are good and ready. The truth is that no amount of waiting is going to make me ready for marriage or children or anything. God is molding me into the woman I need to be. He is molding me into a good wife. He is molding me into the mother my children need. He is molding me into a lover for my husband and a mother for our children. He is molding me into the cook, the maid, the chaperone, and the cheerleader. He is molding me to be something I cannot imagine now. It overwhelms me to think about meeting his parents, I can't be a parent, yet. It overwhelms me to cook for myself, how can I cook for my husband every night? It overwhelms me to teach swim lessons, how can I take care of a child? It overwhelms me to clean my room, how can I keep a house clean? It overwhelms me to plan, how can I budget and meal plan? I know I still have time, but being a a wife sounds difficult. I am still waiting on my husband. I only wish I would have been better at waiting for him.
I've committed the grand mistake of writing letters to my future husband as if it is a demand to God. We pretend like getting married is something we are entitled to for saving ourselves, after all, what are we really waiting for. Endless waiting sounds impossible, but waiting until we find the one, waiting until marriage doesn't sound so bad when we consider that we should be getting married and having kids in the next half of a decade or so.
Marriage is no longer an expectation, it is a secondary. There are people who plan to have children, but there aren't rings on their fingers. It's gotten to the point where when someone has a picture with a child under two, it turns into a five-minute Facebook stalking session to figure out if it is their child or just some little kid. We've accepted it because to face the depravity of our society would be an adventure resulting in too many witch hunts for people who are the symptom and not the problem. Children outside of marriage are now "unplanned", not bastards because it's demeaning to call them that and it is now socially acceptable. We talk about how we don't know their stories, but very rarely do we ask. Sometimes, it really is just a series of bad decisions. These women are not the problem. I am trying hard to be careful to not say the wrong thing (I am often guilty of stepping on a few too many toes out of, not a callus, but just not realizing the sensitivities in which others have) because I know what I have to say is important and if I say it right, I think most people should agree with me, but if I say it wrong, then I will be burned at the stake (at least in my head).
We see marriage as then end goal and so we put it off until we are good and ready. The truth is that no amount of waiting is going to make me ready for marriage or children or anything. God is molding me into the woman I need to be. He is molding me into a good wife. He is molding me into the mother my children need. He is molding me into a lover for my husband and a mother for our children. He is molding me into the cook, the maid, the chaperone, and the cheerleader. He is molding me to be something I cannot imagine now. It overwhelms me to think about meeting his parents, I can't be a parent, yet. It overwhelms me to cook for myself, how can I cook for my husband every night? It overwhelms me to teach swim lessons, how can I take care of a child? It overwhelms me to clean my room, how can I keep a house clean? It overwhelms me to plan, how can I budget and meal plan? I know I still have time, but being a a wife sounds difficult. I am still waiting on my husband. I only wish I would have been better at waiting for him.
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