Fail // Future // Words

When Words Fail Me

 

I always made the assumption that words only failed those who were not normally eloquent, but I find my words failing me on an almost daily basis. 

For the past few weeks, I have been trying to write a blog post, but something keeps stopping me. It's not that I don't have anything to write about, I have just been too preoccupied.

I am passionate. The problem with passion is that feelings are not words. When my mind is bubbling with passion, I think in emotions and not words making everything that is going on nearly impossible to convey without serious hand gestures and a few odd, verbal sounds that do not form intelligible words.

I keep thinking about the future, but there are two futures that I see. One future is where I only really ever help two young women and they are my daughters. I see a future where I am a stay-at-home mother and writer on the side. The other future is one of  success at the cost of a family. I start my non-profit and it becomes my child in a way. I help a multitude of young women who all become a part of my family ( I may even adopt one of their babies), but I wait a long time to have children of my own (or cannot even have them on my own).

I want to be the second with the home life of the first. I want to hold the world in my hands, but I can't even articulate three little words. Instead I use a few dozen replacements and hope that my multitude of words have the same meaning as those three little words. I always assumed words failed people because they did not know the words to use, but I know the words and cannot say them because I think somewhere deep inside of me knows that I don't mean it in the right way yet, so I wait. Words fail me because the words are filler for those three words. Words fail me because I cannot say that I love the way his voice sounds or the way his chin can rest on my head because he is that much taller than me. Words fail me because I cannot say that I love talking about a future with him. Words fail me because I want a future now when life requires me to take the standard route (though I have not done a single thing in order yet) and get to know him. Words fail me because all the words that I want to use are used more eloquently by him and I am left with three words on the tip of my tongue. Words fail me because in every static silence over the phone the words play on my lips. Words fail me because as I get to know him better I see the different ways that God has prepared me for him and I cannot help but think about a more permanent future. Words fail me because he's the answer to prayers that he can't know about yet. Words fail me because I struggle picturing what dating looks like because I've never done it before. Words fail me because I would be satisfied with a dream kiss alone right now. Words fail me because I am not the only one who sees a future and not just the present.

Words are also failing me as I begin to construct my next few blog posts. As I try and filter certain parts of my personal life out of my blogs, I wonder if I will be able to say what I feel and what I am trying to say. I wonder if my omissions will affect the clarity of my diction, which is already unclear. I am a terrible communicator and intentional vagueness leads to complete and utter disconnects. I hope that I can connect without having to spill every last detail of my life. Words fail me because I am scared. Half of me wants to put the whole story and the other half of me fears the backlash.