Love // Fear // Risk
I am afraid to say I love you. I don't really care about the in-love feeling or the physical manifestation of that love. I am afraid of loving people. It's not a romantic thing either. I can barely tell friends that I love them, not in person anyway. For some reason, the word love sets my hair on end. I don't know how to respond. To my family, I have been very carefully trained in my almost twenty years. I can tell them without fear. Why? Because I fear rejection.
Sure, we all fear rejection in one way or another, but my fear comes from a current that flows through our whole society. We are part of the "throw-away generation" and the "hook-up culture". I fear being disposable and I have no idea how to make myself not just useful, but irreplaceable. Love seems like a huge commitment. It is a commitment of time and energy. I am so afraid of making a bad investment that I do not invest at all. I miss out on all the huge rewards and wins of loving because I fear the heart-wrenching pain of loss. Alfred Lord Tennyson said "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". I still need to learn this lesson.
I don't want to be apathetic anymore, but taking risks seems incredibly, well, risky. Then, I think about the elderly. We don't talk to them enough or respect them. I do not hear very many people who are elderly regret having loved. Even unrequited love ( which, if done properly is less creepy and more selfless than it sounds) is worth it to have experienced love. People regret not telling those they loved that they felt that way. I do not want to regret not saying "I love you" because I am scared. What is there to fear? Love isn't selfish and does not require reciprocation. God still loves us, even though we are awful to Him and many hate Him. I am beginning to regret not saying it, but patience is a virtue and I need all the virtue I can get. It seems simple enough and I do love the people I am afraid to tell it to, but maybe I do not love them properly. In ten years, won't I regret not telling people I love them?
Loving someone does not mean that I am in love with them. If I were to announce my love, it would not mean I was in love. Loving someone is a choice, being in love is a passion. I am not interested in some quick-dying passion, I want a steadfast love that does not change because someone does not love me back. I want the love that remains when they are dead and gone. I want to love when they have nothing for me. I want to love without expectation. I want to love without fear.
Sure, we all fear rejection in one way or another, but my fear comes from a current that flows through our whole society. We are part of the "throw-away generation" and the "hook-up culture". I fear being disposable and I have no idea how to make myself not just useful, but irreplaceable. Love seems like a huge commitment. It is a commitment of time and energy. I am so afraid of making a bad investment that I do not invest at all. I miss out on all the huge rewards and wins of loving because I fear the heart-wrenching pain of loss. Alfred Lord Tennyson said "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". I still need to learn this lesson.
I don't want to be apathetic anymore, but taking risks seems incredibly, well, risky. Then, I think about the elderly. We don't talk to them enough or respect them. I do not hear very many people who are elderly regret having loved. Even unrequited love ( which, if done properly is less creepy and more selfless than it sounds) is worth it to have experienced love. People regret not telling those they loved that they felt that way. I do not want to regret not saying "I love you" because I am scared. What is there to fear? Love isn't selfish and does not require reciprocation. God still loves us, even though we are awful to Him and many hate Him. I am beginning to regret not saying it, but patience is a virtue and I need all the virtue I can get. It seems simple enough and I do love the people I am afraid to tell it to, but maybe I do not love them properly. In ten years, won't I regret not telling people I love them?
Loving someone does not mean that I am in love with them. If I were to announce my love, it would not mean I was in love. Loving someone is a choice, being in love is a passion. I am not interested in some quick-dying passion, I want a steadfast love that does not change because someone does not love me back. I want the love that remains when they are dead and gone. I want to love when they have nothing for me. I want to love without expectation. I want to love without fear.
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