Testimony // Shame // Grace
"For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God for salvation that everyone who believes in Him will be saved"
I am not ashamed, except I am. I'm ashamed of who I was and I'm ashamed of my story. This isn't a recent issue either, when I was little I was ashamed of my testimony. I was always afraid to share, I didn't share because it consisted of six words: Saved at five; baptized at seven.
The totality of my spiritual transformation and my eternal destination was shorter than the shortest gospel presentation I knew. I wasn't always ashamed because it was simple. I was ashamed because there was more to my story, but it never felt worthy of sharing. Everyone struggles through sins, but my sins were not "big sins" and my repentance wasn't a huge mountain top experience.
Eventually, my testimony wasn't six words anymore. There was more to my testimony, but I still struggled with the same shame, only now, instead of being ashamed of the triviality of my sin, I was ashamed of the tremendous burden of my sin. I couldn't find the balance between sensationalizing the sins I had committed and shaming myself out of talking about them. It was all or nothing. There was still no balance, and it was still about me. I was not ashamed of the greatness of God's grace, but the depth of my depravity. I know now that it was a story Satan was spinning for me that I was alone in my sin, that my sin was too big for others to continue loving me.
I still struggle with shame. Even after such apparent evidence of my sin, I am ashamed to talk about my sin problem. I've dealt with one big sin problem in my life and it haunts me continually. It presents itself in different forms in different life stages, but it is always the same cycle of silence, shame, and sin. Even now, I struggle to find community and accountability because those habits are deeply ingrained in me. Those lies haunt me. "No one will love you if they know about your sin." "Your sin is too big for someone to respect you." "You're better than this, how could do in possibly still be struggling with the same sin pattern."
I make up excuses depending on where I am in life as to why I can't get accountable.
At first it was the fact that my sin didn't present itself in the same way that others experienced it. It was a matter of "if I don't do this thing that others who struggle do, then is that still what is wrong with me?" My sin felt trivial, but it was still separating me from God and it was still a heart issue. The first person I ever told was my camp counselor who has now walked away from the church who prayed with me, but didn't have any follow through.
Then, it was that I didn't have some one to tell. I didn't have close friends who were strong Christians. Once I did meet Christian women, I was as ashamed that they would think differently of me. I was afraid that the relationship would crumble if I told them, but why develop a relationship if you can't divulge your burdens? Why make friends with someone you can't be yourself around?
Then it would escalate because I knew I had to deal with it but didn't. Even when I was able to talk about it, it was never as a recurring heart problem, but it was specific events where my sin problem became evident.
Now, I still struggle with shame. Even declaring God's goodness and grace, I feel unworthy and dirty. I don't quite know how to deal with the fact that God's grace is bigger than any sin or how to reconcile my struggles with my transformation. I am made new, but I am flawed. Everyday, I still live in the reality of being in a fallen world. I still live with brokenness and shame. I am not defined by my sins, but by God's grace. God had cleansed me of my sins, but that doesn't make me sinless. That is my testimony, living in the reality of sin, while practicing the knowledge grace. I know that my testimony is not the story of how my sin scars me, but how God's grace heals me. My story is not my own and it's not over. My testimony is the story of how God continually saves me and He will continue saving you. It's about how God keeps forgiving me and how He will keep forgiving you.
I am not ashamed, except I am. I'm ashamed of who I was and I'm ashamed of my story. This isn't a recent issue either, when I was little I was ashamed of my testimony. I was always afraid to share, I didn't share because it consisted of six words: Saved at five; baptized at seven.
The totality of my spiritual transformation and my eternal destination was shorter than the shortest gospel presentation I knew. I wasn't always ashamed because it was simple. I was ashamed because there was more to my story, but it never felt worthy of sharing. Everyone struggles through sins, but my sins were not "big sins" and my repentance wasn't a huge mountain top experience.
Eventually, my testimony wasn't six words anymore. There was more to my testimony, but I still struggled with the same shame, only now, instead of being ashamed of the triviality of my sin, I was ashamed of the tremendous burden of my sin. I couldn't find the balance between sensationalizing the sins I had committed and shaming myself out of talking about them. It was all or nothing. There was still no balance, and it was still about me. I was not ashamed of the greatness of God's grace, but the depth of my depravity. I know now that it was a story Satan was spinning for me that I was alone in my sin, that my sin was too big for others to continue loving me.
I still struggle with shame. Even after such apparent evidence of my sin, I am ashamed to talk about my sin problem. I've dealt with one big sin problem in my life and it haunts me continually. It presents itself in different forms in different life stages, but it is always the same cycle of silence, shame, and sin. Even now, I struggle to find community and accountability because those habits are deeply ingrained in me. Those lies haunt me. "No one will love you if they know about your sin." "Your sin is too big for someone to respect you." "You're better than this, how could do in possibly still be struggling with the same sin pattern."
I make up excuses depending on where I am in life as to why I can't get accountable.
At first it was the fact that my sin didn't present itself in the same way that others experienced it. It was a matter of "if I don't do this thing that others who struggle do, then is that still what is wrong with me?" My sin felt trivial, but it was still separating me from God and it was still a heart issue. The first person I ever told was my camp counselor who has now walked away from the church who prayed with me, but didn't have any follow through.
Then, it was that I didn't have some one to tell. I didn't have close friends who were strong Christians. Once I did meet Christian women, I was as ashamed that they would think differently of me. I was afraid that the relationship would crumble if I told them, but why develop a relationship if you can't divulge your burdens? Why make friends with someone you can't be yourself around?
Then it would escalate because I knew I had to deal with it but didn't. Even when I was able to talk about it, it was never as a recurring heart problem, but it was specific events where my sin problem became evident.
Now, I still struggle with shame. Even declaring God's goodness and grace, I feel unworthy and dirty. I don't quite know how to deal with the fact that God's grace is bigger than any sin or how to reconcile my struggles with my transformation. I am made new, but I am flawed. Everyday, I still live in the reality of being in a fallen world. I still live with brokenness and shame. I am not defined by my sins, but by God's grace. God had cleansed me of my sins, but that doesn't make me sinless. That is my testimony, living in the reality of sin, while practicing the knowledge grace. I know that my testimony is not the story of how my sin scars me, but how God's grace heals me. My story is not my own and it's not over. My testimony is the story of how God continually saves me and He will continue saving you. It's about how God keeps forgiving me and how He will keep forgiving you.
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