An Open Letter to Toymakers

Dear Toymakers, 

Thank you for creating a distraction for my rambunctious balls of noise and dirt. Really, sometimes, I just want to have an adult conversation without having to personally entertain. I want to scroll through social media without becoming a jungle gym. I want to spend a day without hearing a high pitched, repetitive (but very catchy) theme song on TV. So thank you for providing ample distraction. I do however have a few requests. 

Please, stop making toys with paper stickers! Have you ever met a child? They are gross and grubby. Their hands are magnets for messes. Which means that anything they touch become sticky Petri dishes for the amalgamation of dirt, snot, and the snack du jour. I want to be able to wash off the messes without washing off the thoughtfully created images on the toys. 

Pretty, pretty please stop making noisy wheels. Answer me this: what is the purpose of making tires that are louder than siblings bickering. Are you purposefully trying to get us to not buy your toys? I get that wheels need traction in order to spin, but some of these wheels sound like lawn mowers they’re so loud. If I wanted a toy to make that much noise, I would have bought one that purposefully made noise. 

Please, please stop making toys that make noise. Yes, I want my child to develop a vocabulary early, but that’s what I read to them for. I do not need to hear “A cow says ‘moo’” any more than I need a picture drawn with marker on my couch. Besides, they’re just creepy. They’re especially creepy at night time. They’re creepier when they start to die. They’re even creepier when they start making noise from an empty room. They’re creepiest when they do all three of those things. Speaking of sensory...

Please, please, please stop making toys with strobe lights. This isn’t 2009 and I’m not grinding to the best of the black eyed peas. I want flashing lights about as much as I want decaf coffee. But not only do you make them flash lights brighter than the sun itself, but they make noise, too. If that weren’t enough, to add insult to injury you make them impossible to turn off. 

Please, for the love of my children, stop making inefficient switches. Because at the very least, even if I hate the way you made a toy, I should be able to turn it off without needing a degree in rocket science. No, I don’t want to have to get out a screwdriver to turn off a toy, because at that point I’m just taking out the batteries and why stop there, I may as well dismantle the entire thing. At the same time, what’s the point of an off switch if it is easy enough for my one year old to turn back on? Energy conservation aside, if I’m turning a toy off it not because I’m worried about it’s batteries dying, in fact I’m hoping they will, but not in the slow death, the noises just sound slower and deeper way. 

Please, please stop making toys with 1,000 tiny pieces. My tiny humans may find them entertaining, but they are not responsible enough to keep track of their own tiny shoes, let alone tiny half inch shoes for their doll. Legos: you’re fine. I get that you want to toy to be functional, but with too many tiny pieces things get lost and then that functionality is lost. On the other side of the coin...

Please, for my hope in humanity and all things Holy, stop making non-functional toys. Pet rocks have more functionality than some of the toys my boys have been given. I’m not asking for every helicopter to be able to fly, but at least make the propeller have the ability to spin. Same goes with cars. I don’t want it to be able drive, but at least make the wheels spin. Yes, my children have had toy cars without functional wheels. Seriously, try some of the toys you’ve made because I’m done with fits about broken toys that are actually just as functional as they were made to be. Do better. 

Please, find a better way to make puzzles. It’s 2019, I should not still have to deal with a lost piece meltdown when my little ones get to the end of putting together a picture of their favorite nighttime hero. We have loss prevention on things significantly less vital to my sanity than the final piece of the puzzle, Speaking of lost...

Pretty please manufacture a better marker. The only thing worse than a cap-less, dried out marker is a functioning marker drawing on the walls. I will take a tantrum about a broken marker over a stained couch any day. None the less, I think there must be a better way. We’re halfway there with color magic! Im tired of trashing markers because the cap was incorrectly reattached. While we’re on the subject of trash...

Finally, pretty, pretty, pretty PLEASE make a toy that is more entreating than a piece of trash. A crinkly piece of plastic, a nearly empty water bottle, an abandoned cardboard box all cause your overpriced personal entertainment devices to be dropped like the beat in clubs I used to not be too tired to visit. 

Thank you in advance,

Mommy with a migraine