Choices // Imitation // Life

December 12, 2014:

We imitate our parents. When we are young, we dress in their clothes and walk around in their too big clothes. As we get older, our mimicry tends to be slightly more subconscious. We chose foods that they fed us because they remind us of home. That seven grain bread from the farmers market that you swore you would never eat when you grew up, is the only bread on which you make sandwiches. You have your father’s temperament and your mother’s sense of time. People tell you daily that you look so much like your mother did when she was your age. 

We grow and in our maturity, we don grace we never thought we could have. We become adults slowly but surely and realize that as we grow up there are things with which our parents cannot help. We realize that our parents have always wanted us to grow up better than the way they did. Our parents have loved us and nurtured us. Our parents could never really be mad at us, only disappointed because they see in us the potential we are still to realize.

As we grow up, we begin to repeat the mistakes of our parents or the mistakes they've warned us against a thousand times. They’ve told us a thousand stories about sketchy situations and hard times, but it is the experience itself that is occasionally necessary. For me, I was never one to heed the verbal warnings, but to dance in the rain and pray for the cold to go away. I was always one to hear, but want to learn for myself. For me, growing up is happening at nineteen. In the past few days I have grown up more than in the past nineteen years. Being responsible for another life has the tendency to bring out the responsibility in all of us. I pray that as I continue to grow that I continue to imitate my parents in the way they raised me. I know that there comes a point when we have to learn on our own and for our own. There comes a point when we have to make our own choices and take a path that our parents cannot hold our hands and lead us down. When that point comes, I pray that the lessons they have taught me and the examples they have set will guide me to being a good wife, a good parent, a good daughter, and a good example.

There were many decisions that brought me to this point and there are many decisions that will affect the quality of my life and the life of my child that must be made in the next few weeks, months, and years, however, there are many choices that have already been made.

I choose life.
I’ve been pro-life since middle school and the ability to put those beliefs into action is absolutely terrifying, but I know that I can get through it. I’ve known for precisely forty-eight hours and I already have a million questions. I’m not ready to be a mother. I’m not ready for any of this, yet I do full-heartedly believe that in Christ I can do all things.

I choose confession. 
I’ve been running away from God for almost six months now. I’ve been scared to talk to Him because I am living in sin. I have short conversations in the morning and I’ll read my Bible occasionally, but I’ve been spiritually dead and living in sin. How can I raise a child who loves God, when I am constantly avoiding His pursuit?

I choose openness. 
There are ways to conceal a pregnancy. There are ways to write it off as a preemie. There are ways to get married quickly. There are ways to hide the evidence and act like we didn’t make any mistakes, but I’d rather not. I’d rather face my mistakes and move on.

Yes, I’m having a baby. No, I’m not married, yet. Yes, I made mistakes that I am not proud of and I knew were wrong. But,

I choose joy. 
I choose to look at everyday as a blessing. I choose joy. I choose life. I am not compounding my mistakes with lying about the pregnancy or  lying about my marital status. I will not lie about how far along I am.

I choose God.

Through all this, though it may sound odd, I am still pursuing purity and looking for a way to glorify God. I sound like a hypocrite saying that I want to pursue purity when it is obvious that I am no longer pure, however, this is a common misconception. When I lost my virginity, I was not losing everything about me. I was losing something precious and sacred. It is a choice to live an impure life. It is not something that occurred as soon as my virginity was lost. Purity is choosing to live a life set apart, a clean life. Purity does not end on a bride’s wedding night, nor on the rape victim’s crime. Purity is lost when we cease to pursue that which is pure. I am still striving to be more and more like God. I am consciously choosing to read the Bible and be in the presence of my creator everyday. I am consciously choosing to pray about my choices, not only concerning this child, but concerning my relationship with my boyfriend and my life in general. My Creator desires a relationship with me and I have been so scared to be in His presence.

I choose God.

I choose joy.

I choose openness.

I choose confession.

I choose life.