Baby // Boy // Blessing
"Milk and honey time" I coo lovingly to wake up the sleeping babe. I'm exhausted because despite our best efforts, he somehow managed to stay awake for two and a half hours in the middle of the night. My sheets have a small puddle of milk and his diaper is full odd an orange liquid that they claim is poop. The days are long, but the nights are longer. His cry is my call to action. His dirty diaper and empty stomach are mine to solve. The duties of a mother are nothing in comparison to the blessing of being a mother. They tell me he's just gassy, but sometimes he stares at me with beautiful, big, blue eyes and smiles. He knows my voice and my smell. Every little gurgle he makes excites me and I know he's never going to be this little again.
As I type, he sits on his pillowed throne and I know I would do anything to protect him. Motherhood is a beautiful thing. I don't want to forget the sound of his little grunts and moans. I want to always remember his toothless grin and grumpy face. I want to always remember the smell of his milky breath after a two o'clock feeding. I never want to forget the tight squeeze of his little fist upon my index finger.
If I had to choose one word to describe motherhood it would be blessing. I've been trying to write this blog since he was born and as he naps, quickly and quietly, I have an opportunity to write. I don't know how to explain motherhood. It is more than a full-time job, but I wouldn't want another one. My greatest disappointment is that in a few months I will have to return to school and if I do that, I have to leave him for hours at a time. I'm scared of missing out on moments. I am, for the time being, a full time mother and it is the greatest blessing I could imagine. I enjoy learning how to do the mothering things and am disappointed when others, as helpful as they are trying to be, take those joys from me. I feel, often, like a selfish mother because I want to learn how to care for my child myself and not share him with well-wishing relatives or loving friends. I want to learn how to soothe a fussy baby myself and how to put to sleep an infant. I want to learn how to do all these things now because if I don't learn now, it will be so much harder with a toddler and a newborn.
I am blessed to have access to my in-laws, and am constantly guilted for not utilizing them more, for not becoming BFFs with them. They are still strangers to me and the bits that I am beginning to get to know seem alright, but it takes time for me to open up to others and here I am being forced to forge relationships the way they desire. I don't want to give him up to them right now more than my husband insists, not because I don't want them to get to love on their grandchild, but because in a few short months my mother-in-law will be getting hours of the day with him while I am completing my obligation to myself and my parents to finish my college education and get a degree. My primary job is motherhood and I don't want to get that up.
I would gladly take a spit-up on shirt over a cap and gown. I would rather change a diaper than change my schedule. I'd rather drive to the doctors office than commute to school. I'd rather carry my child than books across campus. Motherhood has always been my calling. Since I was young, I dreamed of days with dirty diapers and screaming children. I played pretend with my dolls and cared for them. I took smaller children under my wing. As I got older, I babysat and tutored. I craved motherhood in ways that most normal teenagers do not. While most fantasized about their newest crush and their wedding dress. I dreamed of little hands and maternity clothes. I always thought I would be one to wait for marriage. I imagined getting married and having a baby nine months later. That was not the way things worked out. My choices and sins led to the cry of a baby just six months after those "I do"s. I realize now that as much as I fantasized about being a mother, I never dreamt of being a wife. Sure, I imagined being married, but it was always married with kids. I imagined cleaning up the scattered toys, packing lunch boxes, fixing dinner. My role in marriage has always been imagined as my role as a mother, but I know now that those are two very different things. Being a mother is a blessing and I pray everyday that being a wife will become that natural to me.
If I had to choose one word to describe motherhood it would be blessing. I've been trying to write this blog since he was born and as he naps, quickly and quietly, I have an opportunity to write. I don't know how to explain motherhood. It is more than a full-time job, but I wouldn't want another one. My greatest disappointment is that in a few months I will have to return to school and if I do that, I have to leave him for hours at a time. I'm scared of missing out on moments. I am, for the time being, a full time mother and it is the greatest blessing I could imagine. I enjoy learning how to do the mothering things and am disappointed when others, as helpful as they are trying to be, take those joys from me. I feel, often, like a selfish mother because I want to learn how to care for my child myself and not share him with well-wishing relatives or loving friends. I want to learn how to soothe a fussy baby myself and how to put to sleep an infant. I want to learn how to do all these things now because if I don't learn now, it will be so much harder with a toddler and a newborn.
I am blessed to have access to my in-laws, and am constantly guilted for not utilizing them more, for not becoming BFFs with them. They are still strangers to me and the bits that I am beginning to get to know seem alright, but it takes time for me to open up to others and here I am being forced to forge relationships the way they desire. I don't want to give him up to them right now more than my husband insists, not because I don't want them to get to love on their grandchild, but because in a few short months my mother-in-law will be getting hours of the day with him while I am completing my obligation to myself and my parents to finish my college education and get a degree. My primary job is motherhood and I don't want to get that up.
I would gladly take a spit-up on shirt over a cap and gown. I would rather change a diaper than change my schedule. I'd rather drive to the doctors office than commute to school. I'd rather carry my child than books across campus. Motherhood has always been my calling. Since I was young, I dreamed of days with dirty diapers and screaming children. I played pretend with my dolls and cared for them. I took smaller children under my wing. As I got older, I babysat and tutored. I craved motherhood in ways that most normal teenagers do not. While most fantasized about their newest crush and their wedding dress. I dreamed of little hands and maternity clothes. I always thought I would be one to wait for marriage. I imagined getting married and having a baby nine months later. That was not the way things worked out. My choices and sins led to the cry of a baby just six months after those "I do"s. I realize now that as much as I fantasized about being a mother, I never dreamt of being a wife. Sure, I imagined being married, but it was always married with kids. I imagined cleaning up the scattered toys, packing lunch boxes, fixing dinner. My role in marriage has always been imagined as my role as a mother, but I know now that those are two very different things. Being a mother is a blessing and I pray everyday that being a wife will become that natural to me.
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