Home // Church // Part 2
I love our church. If it were just about the people, I would stay. At the end of the day, church is not a social club and if that is the only reason keeping us at a church, it is not enough.
It feels like these past few years God calls me somewhere and then calls me to wait before taking me to the next place.
I'm on a train and I know each stop is redirecting me towards the final destination. I cannot wait to see where God is leading me and leading my family. I cannot wait to see the final destination.
It was a series of little and big moments in the two weeks following my little crying spell that led my husband and I to prayerfully decide to leave. My husband came to this conclusion for his own personal reasons, some the same and some different. This is why I am being called to leave.
It was in the moment when God was calling us in a direction different from the direction the pastor was calling the church that I knew. Sometimes God puts people who challenge us in our lives to make us stronger and sometimes, He puts them in our lives to incite change. I've been praying, why we were called to spend this year invested in a church we were inevitably called to leave and a big part of that was God had to show me how to love a church before I could leave it.
It was a Sunday afternoon a while later in the lull between services when my husband and I both tried to start the same conversation about our church. It was then I knew that my service at the church I was completed and God was calling me to different things. It was then I knew that my prayer changed from "God, give my husband the discernment and spiritual direction concerning this church" to "God, bless this church and fill the absences that we create. Make big things happen here. Help things to be bigger and better because we moved out of the way for your plan for this church."
And I was confused and angry.
I was not at peace.
One Sunday away from our old church and it became painfully obvious that it was time to leave. I was at peace with the choice. I was at peace with leaving.
In the end it comes down to being burnt out. We are not leaving because we are burnt out, but we are leaving because of the reasons leading to the burn out.
Since becoming a member, I have not been fed spiritually at church. We are in charge of our own spiritual feeding, but we should be able to come to church and be refreshed. One Sunday at another church and for the first time in about a year:
I learned things during the sermon.
I heard multiple scripture references.
I was engaged during the worship.
I was convicted during the call.
I took communion. (The communion was about timing. the four times in the past year that our old church had communion, we were out of town. Twice for church and twice to visit my family.)
Neither my husband or I felt that those stark differences were calls to this specific church, but calls away from the church we used to call our home church. It had been a year since I heard a sermon at the church I called home where I learned something interesting about the Bible. I had heard some feel good phrases that gave me some new perspectives on church or my mission, but it was shallow. I craved deeper.
In one sermon, we visited more Bible passages than in over a month at our old church.
If I were the average plebeian, I would not have had an issue with not being fed during sermon because I would have my small group and my personal devotionals and individuals. Only, because of my service towards the Children's ministry, it's been four months since I have had the opportunity to be a part of a small group and even then, the small group I was in had dissolved. It would take time to build community and fellowship. Individuals were encouraging, but could not replace a good sermon and small group. My personal devotionals were enough to sustain when things were going well and I was in the good graces of the leadership, but not enough to allow me to thrive in a church when I was being pushed out.
In the end, I wasn't being fed. I wasn't being fed and the few areas where I had been gladly serving had become a chore that I dreaded, not because of the actual serving, but because of all the politics and drama before I even got into the classroom.
For me it was last minute changes and continual questions that had already been answered. It was a mentality of disunity from both congregations at the church. I was tired of playing tug-of-war and never feeling like I truly fit in with either leadership. I advocated for which ever congregation needed to have a voice and it lead the leadership to view me as an outsider. To the Americans, my allegiances seemed to lie with the Hispanics and to the Hispanics, I was an American. This was fine with me when I thought the unity was worth fighting for. This was fine when I believed that the direction of the church was continually upwards toward God, outward towards the nonbelievers, and inward toward being spiritually fed. But when I took a breath and a step back and looked again, I didn't see those things in the ministry I had invested so much time and energy into. Perhaps I had been blinded by the details and lost track of the big picture for a while.
At some point, the energy it takes to continue the status quo and the agreed upon becomes too much. At some point it is no longer worth it to fight for what I know is best for the portions of ministry with which I have been charged. At some point, it is more peaceful to step back than to be continually met with dissension. It is easier to allow a program or ministry or church to grow without you because it is no longer something you are able to serve gladly in. I am no longer able to serve with a joyful heart. I've prayed for a change in heart, but the Lord has called us to not only soften our hearts towards him and open them to changes (more changes than I could face on my own), but to open them to a new church, a new home.
It would be easier to just put my head down and continue at this church. It would be easier to just step back from serving. But it wouldn't solve the problem. Because even with a renewed mentality, I would be burned out again within a few months. I would have been burnt out because I still wouldn't have been fed. I still would be pouring out without being poured into.
It was the first sermon from another church and already, I felt convicted.
It was from Nehemiah 13. The sermon was about the ways we drift. The more he spoke the more convicted I felt about my drifting from God. But it wasn't the daily drift. I was still pursuing God on an individual level, but on a corporate level, I was drifting. I was drifting away from my church. There were four ways we drift, the pastor said. 1) Wholeheartedness, 2)Giving, 3)Dependence, and 4)Identity. In all four ways, I have drifted. I am no longer wholeheartedly serving. I no longer want to financially support a church where I do not agree with the way the money is being spent. I was not dependent on God for my ability to serve in the ministries I had been given. I thought I could do it and he would not take it away. I found my identity in what I was doing at the church and not just in who I was in Christ.
I had developed an unhealthy attachment to the church and in someways confused serving in the church and religion with a relationship with Christ.
I love our church. If it were just about the people, I would stay. At the end of the day, church is not a social club and if that is the only reason keeping us at a church, it is not enough.
It feels like these past few years God calls me somewhere and then calls me to wait before taking me to the next place.
I'm on a train and I know each stop is redirecting me towards the final destination. I cannot wait to see where God is leading me and leading my family. I cannot wait to see the final destination.
It was a series of little and big moments in the two weeks following my little crying spell that led my husband and I to prayerfully decide to leave. My husband came to this conclusion for his own personal reasons, some the same and some different. This is why I am being called to leave.
It was in the moment when God was calling us in a direction different from the direction the pastor was calling the church that I knew. Sometimes God puts people who challenge us in our lives to make us stronger and sometimes, He puts them in our lives to incite change. I've been praying, why we were called to spend this year invested in a church we were inevitably called to leave and a big part of that was God had to show me how to love a church before I could leave it.
It was a Sunday afternoon a while later in the lull between services when my husband and I both tried to start the same conversation about our church. It was then I knew that my service at the church I was completed and God was calling me to different things. It was then I knew that my prayer changed from "God, give my husband the discernment and spiritual direction concerning this church" to "God, bless this church and fill the absences that we create. Make big things happen here. Help things to be bigger and better because we moved out of the way for your plan for this church."
And I was confused and angry.
I was not at peace.
One Sunday away from our old church and it became painfully obvious that it was time to leave. I was at peace with the choice. I was at peace with leaving.
In the end it comes down to being burnt out. We are not leaving because we are burnt out, but we are leaving because of the reasons leading to the burn out.
Since becoming a member, I have not been fed spiritually at church. We are in charge of our own spiritual feeding, but we should be able to come to church and be refreshed. One Sunday at another church and for the first time in about a year:
I learned things during the sermon.
I heard multiple scripture references.
I was engaged during the worship.
I was convicted during the call.
I took communion. (The communion was about timing. the four times in the past year that our old church had communion, we were out of town. Twice for church and twice to visit my family.)
Neither my husband or I felt that those stark differences were calls to this specific church, but calls away from the church we used to call our home church. It had been a year since I heard a sermon at the church I called home where I learned something interesting about the Bible. I had heard some feel good phrases that gave me some new perspectives on church or my mission, but it was shallow. I craved deeper.
In one sermon, we visited more Bible passages than in over a month at our old church.
If I were the average plebeian, I would not have had an issue with not being fed during sermon because I would have my small group and my personal devotionals and individuals. Only, because of my service towards the Children's ministry, it's been four months since I have had the opportunity to be a part of a small group and even then, the small group I was in had dissolved. It would take time to build community and fellowship. Individuals were encouraging, but could not replace a good sermon and small group. My personal devotionals were enough to sustain when things were going well and I was in the good graces of the leadership, but not enough to allow me to thrive in a church when I was being pushed out.
In the end, I wasn't being fed. I wasn't being fed and the few areas where I had been gladly serving had become a chore that I dreaded, not because of the actual serving, but because of all the politics and drama before I even got into the classroom.
For me it was last minute changes and continual questions that had already been answered. It was a mentality of disunity from both congregations at the church. I was tired of playing tug-of-war and never feeling like I truly fit in with either leadership. I advocated for which ever congregation needed to have a voice and it lead the leadership to view me as an outsider. To the Americans, my allegiances seemed to lie with the Hispanics and to the Hispanics, I was an American. This was fine with me when I thought the unity was worth fighting for. This was fine when I believed that the direction of the church was continually upwards toward God, outward towards the nonbelievers, and inward toward being spiritually fed. But when I took a breath and a step back and looked again, I didn't see those things in the ministry I had invested so much time and energy into. Perhaps I had been blinded by the details and lost track of the big picture for a while.
At some point, the energy it takes to continue the status quo and the agreed upon becomes too much. At some point it is no longer worth it to fight for what I know is best for the portions of ministry with which I have been charged. At some point, it is more peaceful to step back than to be continually met with dissension. It is easier to allow a program or ministry or church to grow without you because it is no longer something you are able to serve gladly in. I am no longer able to serve with a joyful heart. I've prayed for a change in heart, but the Lord has called us to not only soften our hearts towards him and open them to changes (more changes than I could face on my own), but to open them to a new church, a new home.
It would be easier to just put my head down and continue at this church. It would be easier to just step back from serving. But it wouldn't solve the problem. Because even with a renewed mentality, I would be burned out again within a few months. I would have been burnt out because I still wouldn't have been fed. I still would be pouring out without being poured into.
It was the first sermon from another church and already, I felt convicted.
It was from Nehemiah 13. The sermon was about the ways we drift. The more he spoke the more convicted I felt about my drifting from God. But it wasn't the daily drift. I was still pursuing God on an individual level, but on a corporate level, I was drifting. I was drifting away from my church. There were four ways we drift, the pastor said. 1) Wholeheartedness, 2)Giving, 3)Dependence, and 4)Identity. In all four ways, I have drifted. I am no longer wholeheartedly serving. I no longer want to financially support a church where I do not agree with the way the money is being spent. I was not dependent on God for my ability to serve in the ministries I had been given. I thought I could do it and he would not take it away. I found my identity in what I was doing at the church and not just in who I was in Christ.
I had developed an unhealthy attachment to the church and in someways confused serving in the church and religion with a relationship with Christ.
I love our church. If it were just about the people, I would stay. At the end of the day, church is not a social club and if that is the only reason keeping us at a church, it is not enough.
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