Unexpected // Motherhood // Grateful
The cream collects in a white film on the top of my now cold coffee. I give it a stir before taking a sip of the bitter medicine. I prefer using a full fat cream in my coffee because it means I don't have to add sugar, but it has the inconvenience of never quite becoming homogeneous. At least today, I might be able to finish my, albeit cold, cup of coffee. Yesterday I made the mistake of leaving it within reaching height of the bundle of joy that is my full-time job. As much as I knew this is what I always wanted to do. I feel slightly unfulfilled and completely unprepared for the job. Being a housewife for a few short months before becoming a stay at home mom, the daily household tasks themselves seem daunting, but with a crawling, soon-to-be walking child they are impossible. Sometimes I struggle with simple tasks like getting breakfast and other days, my infant eats his way through the stack of papers I was trying to organize.
A warm cup of coffee. Sleeping in. Silence. Free time. Organization.
I took for granted many things that I now would not trade for the six-toothed smile of my eight month old little boy who is growing into a toddler overnight. Pride shines softly on his face as he lets go of my hand and stands for a moment before tottering to a sitting position. Laughter erupts as I kiss his ever-lengthening locks and think this is love. The moments of motherhood are absolutely priceless and impossible to comprehend even in the moment. As much work as it is to be a mother, it is bounds more joyful and rewarding.
Nothing prepares you for the late nights where the babe is crying inconsolably. Nothing prepares you for the first unsure hand as he pulls himself up into a stand for the first time. It is naive to say that anyone is prepared for parenthood, not because there is nothing to prepare for, but because motherhood is unexpected in the most joyful ways. God has a way of surprising us in the most beautiful way.
I wouldn't trade motherhood for the world. I am grateful for my fertility, though I once blamed it for a lot of the inconveniences in my life. I am grateful for a little baby named Samuel because without him, I never would have gone through with the blessings of marriage and motherhood. I was not always grateful for my fertility. I have known a lot of women who struggle with different fertility issues and not once did I think getting a period every twenty-nine days without fail was a blessing. Not until the moment day thirty came without a period. I was bitter. I was mad at God. I thought, "Lord, how could you do this to me? Why are you abandoning me in this way?" I blamed God for my acts of rebellion. I cried out in anger instead of joy. I think of Elizabeth crying out for joy when she sees Mary for the first time when she is with child. The Bible gives us such beautiful examples of purity and of redemption. Samuel is a boy who gave his whole life to the Lord, in the Bible. Samuel is also the name of the little boy in whom I put so much hope.
I was a fearful little girl who was pretending to be a joyous woman. In those fearful first months, I put my hope in this little boy because I thought that I was going to get to go through the same stage of life as someone else. I was relieved and excited for their little boy because he was the opposite of mine. He was the product of marriage. I desired that fiercely. So I got married. I got married to hide my sin. I got married because I felt called to. I got married because I thought marriage would fix an imperfect relationship.
Sin begets sin. A sexually active couple who is not married cannot produce good fruit. Even if they are two strong Christians and the rest of their relationship is going well, sex outside of marriage is a sin and it will destroy things that within marriage are so good. Sex is intended for something permanent. Putting something intended for forever in a temporary setting is destructive and creates habits of sin. Sin begets sin. Though sex is just one sin, it creates an unhealthy relationship in that two people are encouraging each other to run away from God's will. And it is a sprint from that first illicit lustful touch to that final sinful act. The longer we live in sin the more numb we become. We cannot be aware of sin in our life if we have an unresolved sin.
Unresolved sin cannot be resolved without repentance. Repentance is asking for forgiveness and then changing actions. I thought I could get married and that would be the end of that sin cycle. I could not be further from the truth. I got married to a stranger and I fought submission for a long time. I didn't forgive him and I didn't ask for forgiveness, not in my heart. I was bitter because I wanted to raise this child in a home where he could see what a Christian marriage should look like.
A warm cup of coffee. Sleeping in. Silence. Free time. Organization.
I took for granted many things that I now would not trade for the six-toothed smile of my eight month old little boy who is growing into a toddler overnight. Pride shines softly on his face as he lets go of my hand and stands for a moment before tottering to a sitting position. Laughter erupts as I kiss his ever-lengthening locks and think this is love. The moments of motherhood are absolutely priceless and impossible to comprehend even in the moment. As much work as it is to be a mother, it is bounds more joyful and rewarding.
Nothing prepares you for the late nights where the babe is crying inconsolably. Nothing prepares you for the first unsure hand as he pulls himself up into a stand for the first time. It is naive to say that anyone is prepared for parenthood, not because there is nothing to prepare for, but because motherhood is unexpected in the most joyful ways. God has a way of surprising us in the most beautiful way.
I wouldn't trade motherhood for the world. I am grateful for my fertility, though I once blamed it for a lot of the inconveniences in my life. I am grateful for a little baby named Samuel because without him, I never would have gone through with the blessings of marriage and motherhood. I was not always grateful for my fertility. I have known a lot of women who struggle with different fertility issues and not once did I think getting a period every twenty-nine days without fail was a blessing. Not until the moment day thirty came without a period. I was bitter. I was mad at God. I thought, "Lord, how could you do this to me? Why are you abandoning me in this way?" I blamed God for my acts of rebellion. I cried out in anger instead of joy. I think of Elizabeth crying out for joy when she sees Mary for the first time when she is with child. The Bible gives us such beautiful examples of purity and of redemption. Samuel is a boy who gave his whole life to the Lord, in the Bible. Samuel is also the name of the little boy in whom I put so much hope.
I was a fearful little girl who was pretending to be a joyous woman. In those fearful first months, I put my hope in this little boy because I thought that I was going to get to go through the same stage of life as someone else. I was relieved and excited for their little boy because he was the opposite of mine. He was the product of marriage. I desired that fiercely. So I got married. I got married to hide my sin. I got married because I felt called to. I got married because I thought marriage would fix an imperfect relationship.
Sin begets sin. A sexually active couple who is not married cannot produce good fruit. Even if they are two strong Christians and the rest of their relationship is going well, sex outside of marriage is a sin and it will destroy things that within marriage are so good. Sex is intended for something permanent. Putting something intended for forever in a temporary setting is destructive and creates habits of sin. Sin begets sin. Though sex is just one sin, it creates an unhealthy relationship in that two people are encouraging each other to run away from God's will. And it is a sprint from that first illicit lustful touch to that final sinful act. The longer we live in sin the more numb we become. We cannot be aware of sin in our life if we have an unresolved sin.
Unresolved sin cannot be resolved without repentance. Repentance is asking for forgiveness and then changing actions. I thought I could get married and that would be the end of that sin cycle. I could not be further from the truth. I got married to a stranger and I fought submission for a long time. I didn't forgive him and I didn't ask for forgiveness, not in my heart. I was bitter because I wanted to raise this child in a home where he could see what a Christian marriage should look like.
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