Father's Day // Family // Weddings
Yesterday was Father's Day. It was the first Father's Day I have ever spent away from my father and it felt weird. this distance is painful in a bittersweet way. I'm growing up in ways that are hard and new and far, far away from comfortable.I am uncomfortable with so much that goes on in my life that I have settled to allow a lot of things I would not normally allow, simply because there is too much out of my comfort zone for me to fight everything.
While all the changes are hard on me, they are changes that were caused by choices I made. My parents, on the other hand, did not choose to cause ripples in their life or in the family system. When I went away to Texas for college, I knew that I was going to get married. I been mentally preparing for this since I was a junior in high school. I was ready to move far away from everything I had ever known and start a new life of independence. I didn't know the price of independence was separation. Some of the separation was purposeful (you can't move 1500 miles away from your family and expect for there to be no distance between you and them), but a lot of the separation was collateral damage. When my sister moved away for college, I felt the distance between us that she couldn't perceive. Being outside the nuclear family causes distance in that I am no longer a part of the day-to-day life of my family. The same happened when my sister left, though, because she was closer, I don't think she felt the distance. Distance is harder to feel when it isn't for months at a time.
Moving to college was hard. For my family, it seemed temporary. I would be back in a few months. There was still a place for me in the family. Then, I got married. I changed the whole family system in a way that none of us knew how to react to. What does it mean for a woman to leave her family and cling to her husband? How long does she stay on their health insurance? Car insurance? How long do they leave her things in her room? When is it acceptable to make her old room into the guest bedroom? When does she become a guest in their house and not just a daughter coming home? When does her parent's house cease to be her home?
It was my first Father's Day where my father wasn't the first person to celebrate. My husband is now a father, too. I know all these adjustments aren't just hard on me, they're hard on him, too. Throughout everything that has happened in these last months, my father has been constantly loving and supportive and I know I don't make it easy. Family sticks together, but what do we define as family and where is home? As we adjust and begin to answer these questions, it becomes evident that the answers aren't what any of us want. We are navigating uncharted terrain. At the end of the day though, my father is still my father and I am proud to be the daughter of such a strong and supportive man.
We went to a wedding yesterday. And it was bittersweet.
I'm at this frustrating in between in my life where I feel like I am finally tasting freedom for the first time, but this freedom is restrictive in ways I never could have imagined. Marriage isn't hard for us in the traditional ways. I could be more selfless and caring, but we are both adjusting to sharing our entire life with another person. In the same way that the big family system is changing, our nuclear family is changing. It was nice to have an evening to sit and listen to a pastor talk about marriage in a way that wasn't directly to me. Weddings are like little marriage seminars and those speeches have so much more significance when I can apply them to my relationship. I suppose it's different for everyone, but for me the analogy of Christ and the church was never clearer than when I entered into a relationship that mirrored it. It's easier to understand when we have an example. Listening to the pastor talk to the couple, I felt a tugging on my heart because I have been married three months now and I am still lacking the necessary skills it takes to be a good wife. Where I am lacking, Christ is full. With Christ in the center of our relationship, all those questions and all those shortcomings are nothings.
I am grateful for my parents for setting an example for me of what marriage should look like and for pointing me towards the greater example of Christ and their church. I know that marriage doesn't have to be perfect for it to be a good marriage. I am grateful to my father for showing me how men love and communicate. I am grateful to have had twenty years with him as my father to love and support me. Happy Father's Day.
While all the changes are hard on me, they are changes that were caused by choices I made. My parents, on the other hand, did not choose to cause ripples in their life or in the family system. When I went away to Texas for college, I knew that I was going to get married. I been mentally preparing for this since I was a junior in high school. I was ready to move far away from everything I had ever known and start a new life of independence. I didn't know the price of independence was separation. Some of the separation was purposeful (you can't move 1500 miles away from your family and expect for there to be no distance between you and them), but a lot of the separation was collateral damage. When my sister moved away for college, I felt the distance between us that she couldn't perceive. Being outside the nuclear family causes distance in that I am no longer a part of the day-to-day life of my family. The same happened when my sister left, though, because she was closer, I don't think she felt the distance. Distance is harder to feel when it isn't for months at a time.
Moving to college was hard. For my family, it seemed temporary. I would be back in a few months. There was still a place for me in the family. Then, I got married. I changed the whole family system in a way that none of us knew how to react to. What does it mean for a woman to leave her family and cling to her husband? How long does she stay on their health insurance? Car insurance? How long do they leave her things in her room? When is it acceptable to make her old room into the guest bedroom? When does she become a guest in their house and not just a daughter coming home? When does her parent's house cease to be her home?
It was my first Father's Day where my father wasn't the first person to celebrate. My husband is now a father, too. I know all these adjustments aren't just hard on me, they're hard on him, too. Throughout everything that has happened in these last months, my father has been constantly loving and supportive and I know I don't make it easy. Family sticks together, but what do we define as family and where is home? As we adjust and begin to answer these questions, it becomes evident that the answers aren't what any of us want. We are navigating uncharted terrain. At the end of the day though, my father is still my father and I am proud to be the daughter of such a strong and supportive man.
We went to a wedding yesterday. And it was bittersweet.
I'm at this frustrating in between in my life where I feel like I am finally tasting freedom for the first time, but this freedom is restrictive in ways I never could have imagined. Marriage isn't hard for us in the traditional ways. I could be more selfless and caring, but we are both adjusting to sharing our entire life with another person. In the same way that the big family system is changing, our nuclear family is changing. It was nice to have an evening to sit and listen to a pastor talk about marriage in a way that wasn't directly to me. Weddings are like little marriage seminars and those speeches have so much more significance when I can apply them to my relationship. I suppose it's different for everyone, but for me the analogy of Christ and the church was never clearer than when I entered into a relationship that mirrored it. It's easier to understand when we have an example. Listening to the pastor talk to the couple, I felt a tugging on my heart because I have been married three months now and I am still lacking the necessary skills it takes to be a good wife. Where I am lacking, Christ is full. With Christ in the center of our relationship, all those questions and all those shortcomings are nothings.
I am grateful for my parents for setting an example for me of what marriage should look like and for pointing me towards the greater example of Christ and their church. I know that marriage doesn't have to be perfect for it to be a good marriage. I am grateful to my father for showing me how men love and communicate. I am grateful to have had twenty years with him as my father to love and support me. Happy Father's Day.
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