Fears // Commitment // Love Language
I have a huge fear of things unknown. However, I thought my fear of the known was greater.
"As far as the words go, 'relationship' scares me more than most. Death and blood. Gore and cancer. Loss and divorce. Separation and anxiety. Those words do not scare me, but put me in a room with boys who want to talk about wither and whence our "relationship" and I am out of there faster than you can say 'whence and wither'. I do not like to confront my problems and I certainly do not desire to state what I am feeling about other in relation to them in front of them. I just want to be left alone. I want to have my feelings and not make much of them. But I want a relationship. I want to be held. I want to be wanted."
In October, the word relationship scared me because a boy had told me that he was really glad I was giving him the opportunity to pursue a relationship with him. In October, I was a better traditionalist than I am now. What changed in the last six months? Better question is what didn't? For one, I didn't like that boy. For some reason, when I like someone, my traditionalism gets a little more blurred than usual. I have a tendency to think that it's okay to text him first or ask him to hang out. For some reason, I find it okay to initiate DTR conversations that go completely different than expected. For some reason, I find that it's acceptable under the guise of guarding my heart and protecting myself from getting hurt.
On Wednesday night, I almost did just that. Out of fear of getting attached, out of fear of getting hurt, out of fear the unknown, I almost did the stupidest thing a girl can do. I almost asked him what was happening and where this was going. I still may have to and that scares me. I should not have to ask that. All I want to hear is something along the lines of the boy from October, "I'm so glad I get to pursue a relationship with you". If that's not how he's feeling, then I'm in a suboptimal position. Nevertheless, I would feel relieved to hear anything, even if he said, "I'm really glad that we have this close of a friendship". Sure, my heart might be torn to shreds, but I would give him props for honesty, plus, then I wouldn't be wasting time and energy and emotions (I love that Mama Mia song! "Don't go wasting your emotions").
One of my top love languages is quality time, which is dangerous considering the fact that the only way to develop meaningful relationships with people is to put in quality time. I hate getting to know people because I'm an introvert, which means I am putting in a lot of energy just to get to know them. The introversion plus the love language is a perfect storm. I risk my heart every time I get to know someone. It doesn't even have to be a romantic relationship; I put my energy and emotions into getting to know people to the point that I become unproportionally invested in the relationship. This risk is tremendously increased when romantic feelings begin to develop.
I fear commitment in ways that no normal person should. I am sure there is some childhood psychology and a lot of heartbreak somewhere deep inside of me, but for some reason or another I am afraid to love people. I am afraid to commit. People talk about saving their first kiss for marriage and though one of my top love languages is touch, I won't save my first kiss for marriage. In fact, I've already given it away. What I am going to save is the magical first "I love you". Sure, maybe I have thought it in my head a time or two, but it is not going to cross my lips until I am engaged. It's odd because words of affirmation is my third love language with gift giving in last and acts of service is in forth.
I am very careful with my love languages. I give gifts and do acts of service easily because they mean little to me. Words of affirmation fall from my tongue unfacilitated for the most part. But I am very wary of touching other people and I am protective of who I spend my time with. This is partially because I am an introvert and a germ-freak. I filter. It is the greatest way to guard my heart. I don't often waste my emotion because of my extensive heart guarding, but this causes problems with commitment because I have spent so much time guarding my heart that I cannot imagine committing. Commitment would be a great risk to my heart.
"As far as the words go, 'relationship' scares me more than most. Death and blood. Gore and cancer. Loss and divorce. Separation and anxiety. Those words do not scare me, but put me in a room with boys who want to talk about wither and whence our "relationship" and I am out of there faster than you can say 'whence and wither'. I do not like to confront my problems and I certainly do not desire to state what I am feeling about other in relation to them in front of them. I just want to be left alone. I want to have my feelings and not make much of them. But I want a relationship. I want to be held. I want to be wanted."
In October, the word relationship scared me because a boy had told me that he was really glad I was giving him the opportunity to pursue a relationship with him. In October, I was a better traditionalist than I am now. What changed in the last six months? Better question is what didn't? For one, I didn't like that boy. For some reason, when I like someone, my traditionalism gets a little more blurred than usual. I have a tendency to think that it's okay to text him first or ask him to hang out. For some reason, I find it okay to initiate DTR conversations that go completely different than expected. For some reason, I find that it's acceptable under the guise of guarding my heart and protecting myself from getting hurt.
On Wednesday night, I almost did just that. Out of fear of getting attached, out of fear of getting hurt, out of fear the unknown, I almost did the stupidest thing a girl can do. I almost asked him what was happening and where this was going. I still may have to and that scares me. I should not have to ask that. All I want to hear is something along the lines of the boy from October, "I'm so glad I get to pursue a relationship with you". If that's not how he's feeling, then I'm in a suboptimal position. Nevertheless, I would feel relieved to hear anything, even if he said, "I'm really glad that we have this close of a friendship". Sure, my heart might be torn to shreds, but I would give him props for honesty, plus, then I wouldn't be wasting time and energy and emotions (I love that Mama Mia song! "Don't go wasting your emotions").
One of my top love languages is quality time, which is dangerous considering the fact that the only way to develop meaningful relationships with people is to put in quality time. I hate getting to know people because I'm an introvert, which means I am putting in a lot of energy just to get to know them. The introversion plus the love language is a perfect storm. I risk my heart every time I get to know someone. It doesn't even have to be a romantic relationship; I put my energy and emotions into getting to know people to the point that I become unproportionally invested in the relationship. This risk is tremendously increased when romantic feelings begin to develop.
I fear commitment in ways that no normal person should. I am sure there is some childhood psychology and a lot of heartbreak somewhere deep inside of me, but for some reason or another I am afraid to love people. I am afraid to commit. People talk about saving their first kiss for marriage and though one of my top love languages is touch, I won't save my first kiss for marriage. In fact, I've already given it away. What I am going to save is the magical first "I love you". Sure, maybe I have thought it in my head a time or two, but it is not going to cross my lips until I am engaged. It's odd because words of affirmation is my third love language with gift giving in last and acts of service is in forth.
I am very careful with my love languages. I give gifts and do acts of service easily because they mean little to me. Words of affirmation fall from my tongue unfacilitated for the most part. But I am very wary of touching other people and I am protective of who I spend my time with. This is partially because I am an introvert and a germ-freak. I filter. It is the greatest way to guard my heart. I don't often waste my emotion because of my extensive heart guarding, but this causes problems with commitment because I have spent so much time guarding my heart that I cannot imagine committing. Commitment would be a great risk to my heart.
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