Honorable Intentions // Relationships // Commitment
I was going to write about chivalry and my expectations as a
traditionalist (being asked out on dates not having to ask, parental
approval and introductions before relationship, waiting to kiss until we
are in a relationship, his desire to guard my heart for my future
husband, strong male leadership in the relationship, opening doors,
etc), but instead I am going to write about why my habits of
self-preservation are perfectly reasonable.
I am the girl who shies away from displays of affection of any kind. I am the girl who finds herself hopelessly wishing for a prince to come while she scorns the knights that come knocking. Sure, the boys that pursue me are not always up to par: their armor is rusty and they haven't been trained in proper jousting since before the black plague, but they are kind and they adore me. People occasionally get frustrated at me because I am always keeping my options open. This is a self-preservation technique and not a commentary on the value of the boys who pursue me.
I do not have a boy, therefore it is solely my duty to guard my heart.
I know that I should guard my heart even once I have a boy, but when I have one there will be a certain amount of vulnerability expected. For now, I must be slightly vulnerable (vulnerable enough for people to get to know me) while having no commitment. I have a tendency to chase after anything that shines, anything that glimmers, anything that is attracted to me. I have a tendency to chase sirens into the rocky crags and the always unattainable rainbow. I'm not safe. I don't guard my heart like I should because I'd rather swim with the mermaids, even if in the end I wind up bashed against a stone.
I do not have the security of a relationship, therefore I cannot commit.
I cannot commit to long periods of texting. I cannot commit to still being interested in a week. I cannot commit to pursuing you (in fact, even if I like you, I will not pursue you). I am afraid to make commitments or go on dates or get know him on a deeper level because I might start to feel something. I am so incredibly afraid of falling flat on my face. I am afraid of falling for someone. I can't think of the last time I really and truly liked someone: not for the convenience of it, not because he liked me, not because I was bored, but because my heart raced a little when I get a text from him and my cheeks blush when I see him in the hallway.
I'm scared of settling for something that is not in the plan.
There are really great boys who feel off. Recently, there was a boy I thought I could consider being exclusive with. I'm not talking about dating, I am talking about letting him pursue me and not texting other boys intentionally. Yet, everything about the situation felt off. From spring break on, it felt off. The texting was fine, conversation flowed smoothly and I got to know him. However, I am a little needier than I thought. I wanted to feel more wanted than he made me feel. I wanted to be wanted, but I couldn't figure out how.
I can't find a good balance between apathy and guarding my heart.
He might me nice and I might like him, but I can't get to know him past a certain level because I know if I know him past a certain level, I will begin to like him. When morning texts make my heart race a little and a text message telling me I look cute puts a wide-grin on my face, I know I'm in the danger zone and it's hard. I can't get to know him any better without really getting attached, but I can't back-off without him thinking I am not interested.
I am constantly trying to guard my heart and that's not okay. I need to give my heart to God and trust Him to guard it. No, I should not be reckless, but if I follow in His ways, my heart will remain whole.
I am the girl who shies away from displays of affection of any kind. I am the girl who finds herself hopelessly wishing for a prince to come while she scorns the knights that come knocking. Sure, the boys that pursue me are not always up to par: their armor is rusty and they haven't been trained in proper jousting since before the black plague, but they are kind and they adore me. People occasionally get frustrated at me because I am always keeping my options open. This is a self-preservation technique and not a commentary on the value of the boys who pursue me.
I do not have a boy, therefore it is solely my duty to guard my heart.
I know that I should guard my heart even once I have a boy, but when I have one there will be a certain amount of vulnerability expected. For now, I must be slightly vulnerable (vulnerable enough for people to get to know me) while having no commitment. I have a tendency to chase after anything that shines, anything that glimmers, anything that is attracted to me. I have a tendency to chase sirens into the rocky crags and the always unattainable rainbow. I'm not safe. I don't guard my heart like I should because I'd rather swim with the mermaids, even if in the end I wind up bashed against a stone.
I do not have the security of a relationship, therefore I cannot commit.
I cannot commit to long periods of texting. I cannot commit to still being interested in a week. I cannot commit to pursuing you (in fact, even if I like you, I will not pursue you). I am afraid to make commitments or go on dates or get know him on a deeper level because I might start to feel something. I am so incredibly afraid of falling flat on my face. I am afraid of falling for someone. I can't think of the last time I really and truly liked someone: not for the convenience of it, not because he liked me, not because I was bored, but because my heart raced a little when I get a text from him and my cheeks blush when I see him in the hallway.
I'm scared of settling for something that is not in the plan.
There are really great boys who feel off. Recently, there was a boy I thought I could consider being exclusive with. I'm not talking about dating, I am talking about letting him pursue me and not texting other boys intentionally. Yet, everything about the situation felt off. From spring break on, it felt off. The texting was fine, conversation flowed smoothly and I got to know him. However, I am a little needier than I thought. I wanted to feel more wanted than he made me feel. I wanted to be wanted, but I couldn't figure out how.
I can't find a good balance between apathy and guarding my heart.
He might me nice and I might like him, but I can't get to know him past a certain level because I know if I know him past a certain level, I will begin to like him. When morning texts make my heart race a little and a text message telling me I look cute puts a wide-grin on my face, I know I'm in the danger zone and it's hard. I can't get to know him any better without really getting attached, but I can't back-off without him thinking I am not interested.
I am constantly trying to guard my heart and that's not okay. I need to give my heart to God and trust Him to guard it. No, I should not be reckless, but if I follow in His ways, my heart will remain whole.
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