Misconceptions // Comfort // Compromise
The Truth in Their Lies
He's a boy, that means all he wants is sex.
Because this statement is really going to help me trust my parents. It's going to help me, how? Yes, boys want sex. I hear it over and over again in my youth group and every church camp I've ever been to. It is a woman's job to guard herself. It is a woman's job to control how far we go. Every fiber in my traditionalist body is screaming at me because I know this is wrong. I should not have to guard myself, it's not my job. Sure, guys want sex, but I don't see boys ripping off people's clothes in the middle of the street because they simply cannot control their urges and if they do, I don't hear anyone saying it is not their fault. I don't hear people crying about natural urges, then. Why, then, in a relationship, does a girl have to be the one with all the self-control?
If he cares about me, he won't try anything.
If he really cares about my emotions, he will know that I will get caught up in his affections and so he won't express them physically. He will have such an incredible amount of self-control that he just won't kiss me. He won't try to hold my hand. Why don't we just dress the boys in girl clothes and call them women? It's not fair to expect boys to not make the first move. Yes, they should ask... maybe. If they do it too soon, it's assault. If they wait too long, they're not really interested. If they wait, she'll usually give him those physical signals that a kiss would be okay.
I have to put out physically if I want to keep him interested.
If I like him, I have to demonstrate it. It's not enough to just tell him or casually flirt. Boys need payoff.Boys need to feel how you feel. The problem is that their emotions are inextricably connected to their bodies. Where I get all gushy inside because he calls me cute, he gets his feelings when I hold his hand. I understand that not all boys' primary love language is touch, but touch still affects them in ways that are different from the effect it has on a girl. But I don't have to put out physically to keep him interested.
Falling in love is an easy thing to do. I shouldn't have to fight this hard for a relationship. I should be comfortable with him.
I know this probably is wrong, but I don't ever want to just be comfortable with my husband. When we fall into comfort, we fall into complacency.
Media is constantly feeding us the lie about this convenient love. If it isn't easy, if it isn't quickly established, then it isn't real and it isn't worth it. Over and over again we see people settle for comfort and quit when it gets hard. I don't ever want to fall into the steady comfortable routine of a relationship because it ceases to be love and becomes a business relationship when we settle for comfort instead of working for love. I find comfort in the silence, but have a tendency to fill it with empty words. The most uncomfortable thing I can do is share my thoughts and feelings, which is why I don't want to settle for comfort. If I am comfortable, the relationship isn't progressing and I'm not risking anything. I refuse to settle for complacency. I am comfortable with silence and so I'll scream from the top of skyscrapers if that is what it takes to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and risk it. I'll whisper truths quietly in a hushed moment of peace in the middle of the night when only one person is listening and it will stretch my comfort more than any shouting ever will. I am comfortable with silence, but comfort is not the end goal. Falling into the trap of settling for comfort is dangerous to say the least. God calls us out of our comfort zones. He tells us to go when we are comfortable in our suburban house and middle-class living in corporate America. He tells us to be still when we are impatiently chomping at the bit in a college dorm room desiring to hold the whole world in our embrace.
All of these lies that I have been fed growing up. Part of a feminist society where men wear dresses and girls wear the pants. It's not enough for women to be equal to men, for some reason, we have to make men less than women. By taking too much power, by overcompensating for years of repression, by making up for feelings of insufficiency, we are castrating chivalry. Telling women that it's okay for them to pursue men and making physicality an accepted and expected part of society has distorted the hunting genes in men. They've become lions, lazily napping waiting for the lioness to do all the hunting. The king lion uses his lionesses.
I want to be pursued. I know that I don't need to put out to be pursued. I know that boys can control their urges, but I also know that, eventually, if he likes me, he will try something. For years, I was fed lies about boys that have led to this distorted view of relationships. Now, as I embark on an adventure into the unknown, I realize that those lies will not help me create a legitimate relationship based off of Christian morals and anchored in God. I realize that set rules isn't going make this easier, but it is going to make this better. I realize that any compromise on morals is a no go, but compromise in itself is good. Compromise is vital to a successful relationship.
He's a boy, that means all he wants is sex.
Because this statement is really going to help me trust my parents. It's going to help me, how? Yes, boys want sex. I hear it over and over again in my youth group and every church camp I've ever been to. It is a woman's job to guard herself. It is a woman's job to control how far we go. Every fiber in my traditionalist body is screaming at me because I know this is wrong. I should not have to guard myself, it's not my job. Sure, guys want sex, but I don't see boys ripping off people's clothes in the middle of the street because they simply cannot control their urges and if they do, I don't hear anyone saying it is not their fault. I don't hear people crying about natural urges, then. Why, then, in a relationship, does a girl have to be the one with all the self-control?
If he cares about me, he won't try anything.
If he really cares about my emotions, he will know that I will get caught up in his affections and so he won't express them physically. He will have such an incredible amount of self-control that he just won't kiss me. He won't try to hold my hand. Why don't we just dress the boys in girl clothes and call them women? It's not fair to expect boys to not make the first move. Yes, they should ask... maybe. If they do it too soon, it's assault. If they wait too long, they're not really interested. If they wait, she'll usually give him those physical signals that a kiss would be okay.
I have to put out physically if I want to keep him interested.
If I like him, I have to demonstrate it. It's not enough to just tell him or casually flirt. Boys need payoff.Boys need to feel how you feel. The problem is that their emotions are inextricably connected to their bodies. Where I get all gushy inside because he calls me cute, he gets his feelings when I hold his hand. I understand that not all boys' primary love language is touch, but touch still affects them in ways that are different from the effect it has on a girl. But I don't have to put out physically to keep him interested.
Falling in love is an easy thing to do. I shouldn't have to fight this hard for a relationship. I should be comfortable with him.
I know this probably is wrong, but I don't ever want to just be comfortable with my husband. When we fall into comfort, we fall into complacency.
Media is constantly feeding us the lie about this convenient love. If it isn't easy, if it isn't quickly established, then it isn't real and it isn't worth it. Over and over again we see people settle for comfort and quit when it gets hard. I don't ever want to fall into the steady comfortable routine of a relationship because it ceases to be love and becomes a business relationship when we settle for comfort instead of working for love. I find comfort in the silence, but have a tendency to fill it with empty words. The most uncomfortable thing I can do is share my thoughts and feelings, which is why I don't want to settle for comfort. If I am comfortable, the relationship isn't progressing and I'm not risking anything. I refuse to settle for complacency. I am comfortable with silence and so I'll scream from the top of skyscrapers if that is what it takes to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and risk it. I'll whisper truths quietly in a hushed moment of peace in the middle of the night when only one person is listening and it will stretch my comfort more than any shouting ever will. I am comfortable with silence, but comfort is not the end goal. Falling into the trap of settling for comfort is dangerous to say the least. God calls us out of our comfort zones. He tells us to go when we are comfortable in our suburban house and middle-class living in corporate America. He tells us to be still when we are impatiently chomping at the bit in a college dorm room desiring to hold the whole world in our embrace.
All of these lies that I have been fed growing up. Part of a feminist society where men wear dresses and girls wear the pants. It's not enough for women to be equal to men, for some reason, we have to make men less than women. By taking too much power, by overcompensating for years of repression, by making up for feelings of insufficiency, we are castrating chivalry. Telling women that it's okay for them to pursue men and making physicality an accepted and expected part of society has distorted the hunting genes in men. They've become lions, lazily napping waiting for the lioness to do all the hunting. The king lion uses his lionesses.
I want to be pursued. I know that I don't need to put out to be pursued. I know that boys can control their urges, but I also know that, eventually, if he likes me, he will try something. For years, I was fed lies about boys that have led to this distorted view of relationships. Now, as I embark on an adventure into the unknown, I realize that those lies will not help me create a legitimate relationship based off of Christian morals and anchored in God. I realize that set rules isn't going make this easier, but it is going to make this better. I realize that any compromise on morals is a no go, but compromise in itself is good. Compromise is vital to a successful relationship.
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